All I want for Christmas is … a 3D printer

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The latest in a long list of justifications for a 3D printer purchase dropped in my lap a few weeks ago. Or, more accurately, on my head. With a crash and the tinkle of broken glass, no less.

Here’s the story, which will explain why it’s imperative that I get my hands on a 3D printer. My wife and I have lived in Tucson since 2015. It is our sixth Christmas here. It’s also the sixth time I’ve endured weeks of gentle pre-holiday remonstrations to “just hang the damn Christmas lights, would you?”

I tried again to explain the problem. Our house, like so many in southern Arizona, has a stucco exterior and tile roof. The little plastic clips designed for homes with vinyl siding and shingle roofs don’t work here. “Then why did you bring two boxes of them with us from Minnesota?” she asked for the sixth time.

Yes, I’ve hung metal roadrunners and stone saguaros on our house. And the block walls surrounding it have proven suitable for all manner of decorative objects. Given the right concrete anchor and an impact drill, I’m confident of my Arizona wall-art-hanging mastery.

That doesn’t extend to Christmas lights, however. Here’s why. Because my wife of four decades insists that the fasteners be invisible from the road, they must be installed on the backside of the house’s wooden fascia, in the narrow gap between it and the stucco wall.

I bought a compact drill, thinking I could sneak in some threaded fasteners, but the angle of my ladder was such that I couldn’t find the pilot holes once drilled. Finishing nails? No room to swing the hammer. Drywall screws. Picture hooks. Angle brackets. Nothing worked.

That’s when I turned to the universal solution for do-it-yourselfers everywhere: duct tape. Success! I managed to stick an entire 33-ft. strand up there before hearing the gentle slither of Christmas lights falling to the ground, followed by the “pop-pop-pop” of bulbs breaking against the concrete below.

So why a 3D printer? Because it would allow me to build bespoke plastic clips that fit perfectly within that unbearably awkward space. Sorry, Honey, but without those, the lights will just have to wait.

There are other reasons. I desperately need better toolbox organization, a problem that 3D-printed dividers would surely solve. A holder for my wife’s iPad might entice her to cook more. A plastic clip to keep my handheld vacuum cleaner’s power button pushed in while vacuuming would make my weekly chore a breeze.

And let’s not forget all the Christmas gifts I could be 3D-printing. Yoda bottle openers. Showerheads in the shape of a dinosaur’s toothy maw. Monogrammed tree ornaments. Topology-optimized drink coasters. And for my friends and family back in Minnesota, ergonomic ice scrapers.

Anyway, I hope to find a big box under the tree this year. I’m sorry about all the cursing over the broken Christmas lights, Santa, but I’ve tried to be good. Really.